I swear to… whatever I can without being

I swear to… whatever I can without being Offensive, I will try not moan too much tonight.

 

This afternoon, Grandma came with Aunt and took Red and Jasmine off our hands for a few days. The fews days are limited because Red’s birthday is on Saturday and the Other Side have circus tickets booked for them. By the time Grandma and Aunt eventually turned up and were on their way (a considerably long 10 minutes later), the walk Hub and I had planned on taking to a Mermaid Mascot Coffee House was a bit redundant because if we didn’t haul booty, it’d be closed. Anyhoo, haul booty we did and got there on time for me to purchase my Mocha Cookie Super Massive Black Hole style Unhealthy Frappuccino WITH WHIP and Crumbs!!! Hub, embarking on his health kick (I’m not being condescending) again, opted for OJ and almonds. It was only while in there, on my own as Hub and Bear went for a stroll in the last of the actual sun, that I realised; apart from the occasional call out to have me slow down to let him catch up with me (because I do beat a wicked pace) that we didn’t talk, like at all.

This seriously startled me because it’s alienating to not to talk to a spouse on what is essentially a date. Tag-Along is only 9 months old and so not really ‘in the way’. It also got me thinking; debating; mulling over..

I am a stay at home Momma. It’s what I do. For a long time, most probably discussed in previous posts (I don’t really remember), I had a very hard time reconciling myself with that. The constant frenzied, media fueled pressure to live up to Uber Mom appearances did absolutely nothing to help my serious issues and I did plunge into a desperate bollox-pit of dense fug and hate and shame and all sorts of stuff. Post Natal Depression. Very common, Very Ignored.

Anyhoo, I have lost a lot of myself in the last 5 years, like, a lot a lot. I used to be… I’m not sure how to describe pre-children Me. I was insatiably nerdy but got only really slightly above average grades. A serious commitment- phobe in terms of holding down a university job or completing university academic work that fell outside my prime interest zone, which is why I failed my first year. I loved/ love my friends though. Through my own fault, that circle has whittled down a tonne to only a very few and I do envy my extant few who are still talking to the whole, extended gang that I would sit drinking with and being generally rowdy with until half past Stupid on weekday mornings. God I sound awful! 

I love books. It’s a large factor of attraction between myself and Hub and I don’t even get to read them anymore. From January to May this year, I audiobooked all the Harry Potters, chronologically and it was fantastic! The housework, morning walk, pretty much any spare time that I didn’t have to listen for the kids time to have Stephen Fry’s dulcet tones in my ears. I might spend between 2 and 20 euro on books per month. They are stacking higher and higher on my bookshelves, only a few chapters read from each. This devastates me. 

I feel stupid. Like not embarrassed- stupid; I mean genuinely thick, less intelligent, dropping IQ points stupid. It’s why I started doing Harvard’s free online courses, to feel like Me again. I was going great, for 10 lectures and then something shifted and my time that I had previously allocated  is not free for Harvard anymore and I haven’t gone near it in 2 weeks.

I was doing Philosophy of Justice, intense, madly interesting stuff but now I’ve fallen out of it, I’m not even sure I’ll be able to successfully get back into it when I have the time in the morning (reallocated, finally).

Hub and I didn’t talk a whole lot on the way back either. Just the same stuff, tired conversation wherein we each know what the other is going to say and we give the same opinions and exclaim the same ways… We’ll roll out of it soon enough, Hub is (please gods) going to University this September to finally get where he wants and we need him to be. Once we’re independent of each other again (he’s off for the summer and isn’t allowed work) we’ll have new conversation! I look forward to that.

I don’t know how other Stay at Homes handle it. I want to be out and useful but at the same time, my mom wasn’t at home for me and my sister for a long time. There was a brief period but neither of us really remember it. I was a latch key kid though by the time my sister went to school, we had a neighbour-babysitter so she went there. 

I want to be home for my kids and yet educate myself and be social again.

I haven’t seen my best friend, Puff, in a year (or thereabouts) We don’t even talk that much, which is pretty crap but she is young (6 months younger than me!!!) and completed her education and despite some hiccups, has got her awesome career and is living the SaTC high life (without HBO amounts of ‘S’) and I am beyond happy for her. In a lot of ways it is hard for us (and others) to relate to each other anymore. Different worlds.

Ducky came home after 18 months in Korea and she’s practically got a private jet, she’s all over the place, travelling a tonne. She was teaching kids and exploring almost all of Asia and I do hate myself for being so jealous so much. Likewise, Lindt spent a lot of time in the land of watches and chocolate, teaching and exploring, and like Ducky, is making her way around, temping and working and adventuring and making me writhe with envy.(As I stalk the ‘thumbs up social network) All our circle are measurably successful and are or are getting where they want to be.

This is not as benign as I’d like my envy to be!!

I don’t resent my life, far from it. Despite the tedium, the very frequent monotony of up, cook, clean, cook, clean, cook, clean, bed, I love what I am doing right now. I’d love to be able to supplement it with something else but for the moment, after such a disgracefully long time, I actually love being a mom, being the centre of 3 universes and answering the multitudes of Mom!Mommy!Momma and Mumumum(Bear) being thrown at me everyday.

This was especially hammered home when we got in from walking and the phone was already ringing. I answered and heard a very upset Jasmine on the other end, very blubbery and upset.

She missed me, wanted to hear my voice and isn’t sure if she wants to have a mini-vacation (Tears For Me as I write this) Red is already asleep and Grandma is asking her to shush so as not to wake her and to say goodnight to Mommy but Jasmine starts crying all over again at this and so we spend a few more minutes on the phone just repeating the same stuff again and again to her, to relax her. That she can hold Red’s hand while she does to sleep if she wants, that she can come home first thing in the morning if still not happy. The sniffly sob-replies are so wrenching that I am half tempted to offer to come get her but Grandma cuts in and forces a goodnight and I am left with a dead line, a resentful bubble and bursting soul, reinforcing the fact that, though I don’t feel it usually, I am wanted. Past the popsicle requests and shouts for a mediator for domestic battles, I am needed outside all that. 

Only now, in the last 18 months am I finally realising how good it is to stay home.

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